If parents can’t work things out together, where is a kid best off?
Filed under: Family togetherness, Moms, Dads, Infant / First year, Child Custody, Emotions, Recovering from birth
I have a friend who has recently ended his relationship with the mother of his elementary school age son. For the sake of discussion let's just say that neither of them is entirely a catch: she's been through numerous relationships and has more baggage than Paris Hilton. He, on the other hand, has a love affair with his mountain bike that rivals any affection he's ever had towards a woman.
At their best, they were never great together. They had nothing in common, other than attraction, which was never that strong to begin with, and she's over a decade his senior. When she got pregnant--she was the one who wanted to have a baby and settle down, while he was still trying to let his inner superhero out.
But when that small baby arrived in their lives, it was like a light was switched on in his brain, and he was more devoted to that small child than he'd ever been to anything. He got a job, then started his own highly successful business. He threw himself into fatherhood, even as his relationship with his son's mother was disintegrating.
Now, several years later, after couples therapy and individual therapy and several dozen failed self-help books, they've gone their separate ways: and none too gracefully. They are in the midst of a legal battle about custody of their child, and it makes my heart ache to hear the heartache in his voice. He thinks she's a great mom. He'll even admit that now, after all the nasty and unpleasant things she has done to him (and she has.) But he wants to have joint physical custody of his son, who he loves more than anything else in the world.
Several thousand dollars into legal fees the outcome is still questionable. It seems as though many people, including his son's mother, believe that a child's place is with his mother--and that men, generally are deadbeats who are best kept at a distance. Even if he is more of a playmate than a parent, as she'd like to claim, still isn't a child best off shared parenting?
What do you think? If parents separate, where is a child best off?